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And suddenly I saw light again. I was looking at Maddy, and for a second Ithought that I was back to normal. But very quickly I realized that I wasstill in the picture."That is what being deleted feels like. I don't imagine that somebody elseopened that picture up on Facebook, so you must have been pretty muchblacked out."The way the mind worked, I figure, is that it wants a continuousexistence. So my mind had sort of filled in that black period. I honestlycouldn't tell you how long it had been.I started seeing things disappearing around me. Dana, the girl in thepicture with me, suddenly disappeared out of my peripheral. Then room gotsmaller. Again, from doing this myself, I knew what was happening. I hadcut out other things in the picture, making it consist of only Maddy so itwould be centered. The area I was in got smaller again, and I realizedthat I was missing part of my arm because it was around the other girl."Taller, smaller, in, out, bigger."It was pretty much everything I had. I found the idea intoxicating. It stirred mymind into a hazy dream world of meeting a young, trim, fit and cleangirl/boy my age to explore this fantasy.The day of the party was a busy day on the project. The party was earlyin evening, over by 9:00. I ended up working until 7:00, despite mybest efforts. I ran all the way to the apartment. I showered and foundmyself shaving, my face extra fine. I then shaved my legs and then myarm pits and even, my pubic area. I did it quickly, as if I was scaredif I stopped, I would stop the whole thing. I put on a new pair ofpanties, blue second skin satin from Victoria Secrets. I had boughtthem the weekend before and I loved the way they felt. I put on a pairof white light cotton pants which fit tightly, knowing the pantieswould show through. I couldn't help myself. I was intoxicated by theidea of going to this party. I wore a long blue satin shirt that whenuntucked covered my ass. I never would have worn this type of clothingat home. It was.
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